Monthly Archives: February 2015

What I learnt this week: Success

(Yes, I’m still behind on the blog but slowly catching up.  It should only take another 73 years at this rate)!

Anyway…

I’ve spent hours, days, months and years chasing my dreams within the film industry (acting, film making and writing).  Aiming to be ‘successful’.  But I’ve come to realise ‘success’ is relative.

I used to think ‘success’ would be when I achieve all that I set out to do.  However if I can inspire one person through things that I’ve already done- perhaps just by never giving up (who knows if that is delusional or not)- then that could be considered ‘success.’

It’s what you make it.  No one can define it for you.  Furthermore no matter who you are- achieving ‘success’ will not change the person inside.

What I mean by this is- I’m proud of my achievements but there’s still more I want to accomplish in my life.  Although I’d be mistaken to believe that the issues I deal with now, would suddenly disappear if I achieved all my goals.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t have horrendous dark thoughts.  I’ve spent a lot of time chasing my demons away but sneaky ones get in sometimes.  However after the recent death of Robin Williams it’s clear that no amount of money, fame or perceived ‘success’ can take away the bad feelings you may have inside.

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With this theme is mind it was a very chaotic week.  I basically had a break down after my screenwriting program broke down.  I was under pressure to prepare my script for the final round of the mentorship programme- in case I was picked.

What I failed to do was take a moment to look at the ‘success’ I’d just achieved by getting in to the top 20!  No, I kept pushing on regardless.

However my computer had other ideas for me.  I don’t need to go in to it but I tried everything humanly possible to get the it working- I even retyped 15,000 words.  The funny thing was in the end I stressed for no reason as I didn’t even make it to the top 5.

But that’s beside the point- I made it to the top 20!

In the middle of this manic week I caught up with my fling and realised we’re on totally different pages.  Not even close to reading the same book…ARG!

By the weekend I needed a break.  I talked Jess into going to see a double movie.  First we saw- ‘If I stay’ (wow, it was bad, but I guess it was probably made for 16 old girls).  Then we popped into ‘Sex tape,’ which was brilliant!  It was a much needed day off.

Funniest moment:

  • ‘Sex Tape’ of course!

What I did that scared me:

  • Snuck into the cinema- we only paid for the first film (so naughty)

Highs:

  • Abid’s film festival screening and meeting Alex (one of those people you randomly chat to about all the crazy thoughts you have and they believe all the same crazy things)
  • Unexpected dinner date with Steph on Friday night
  • Cooking breakfast cookies for all the girls at work

Lows:

  • Crying in the Apple store
  • Another guy dead end
  • Cancelling the 10k charity run I was supposed to do on Sunday- too tired

What I learnt:

  • ‘Success’ is what you make it and it doesn’t change who you are either way…

 

What I learnt this week: Balance, what the hell is that?

(Hmmm, the draft of this was written in September last year.  Guess I’ve been busy- maybe trying to find balance or something).

Looking after yourself is damn hard.  I can’t imagine what it must be like to take care of a bunch of rug rats.   I wish I had a PA!!!  Sometimes I contemplate if I could afford one.  The answer is no, unless I stopped eating…

The whole juggling life thing is interesting.  If I haven’t seen my friends for a while I end up overcompensating by spending time on my social life.  Then I feel guilty that I’ve neglected my writing.  So I write loads  and then think to myself I have to do some bloody washing…

You get the point.  I doubt I’m alone when I say I can never seem to find the right balance in living my life.

Then I realised- balance doesn’t exist!  And the idea of trying to attain it is just a wild goose chase.  The only thing you can do is be where you are completely and not worry about what you aren’t doing.

It’s kinda like a seesaw.  Can you ever balance those damn things?  I definitely can’t (although to be fair I haven’t tried since I was 6).   It’s best just to enjoy the bloody ride (and not vomit).  I think that makes sense.  I’m tired- probably should get some sleep, maybe that’s what I need more of…

The week, what happened?

Cooking, writing, working and feeling inspired.  Which leads me to the the best news of the week.  I was shortlisted for a writing mentorship.  I made it to the top 20- that’s pretty awesome!  Makes me believe that I must be doing something right (or write, haha)!

It was also quite a social week:  dinner with Shell on Tuesday night at good ol’ Pizza Express.  Lunch with Libby on Friday, at our little Italian place.  Then headed to Surrey on Friday night with Shell to get my hair bejazzled by her friend Charlie.  New hair- new girl, yeah! (That’s why I look so happy in the pic below)…

Shell and Sal

Pretty chilled weekend.  Just trying to write, write and write.  Did watch ‘Orphan Black’ which was totally cool and inspired me to hit the gym…Tatiana Manslany is fit!!!

Highs:

  • Stu telling me I got shortlisted for the top 20 of the Angel Mentorship programme
  • Everyone trying to help me fix my computer
  • Nadelle texting me to say she was enjoying my 100 days sober posts and that I’m so strong- eek, lucky I didn’t give up!

Lows:

  • Terrorist tube scare
  • Really, really sore back- but I got to work from home and took some really, really strong pain killers!
  • Computer break down, which led to me to break down (in the middle of the Apple store, yep I was ignored whilst I sat there with tears streaming down my face)

What I learnt:

  • Balance.  Trying to find it is exhausting…AND it’s doesn’t exist, stop trying to achieve it and just live.

What I learnt this week: No regrets

This blog seems to still be stuck in 2014, eek!  It’s about 4 (more likely 5) months behind.  Time to get this pony back on track (not literally).

The first draft of this post was actually written a while ago and since then the situation has changed dramatically.  And believe me when I say the original post was well and truly an over share.  So I got rid of the specifics of why the lesson relates to me and just wrote what I learnt…

You can’t cut off your emotions.  No matter what you think.  The more you try to protect yourself, the less you let yourself experience life.  You might get hurt because of your actions but it’s better to regret what you did do rather than what you didn’t do!

Sometimes you just have to dive in the deep end and hope there’s not a huge f$#king rock waiting.  But if there is- you can figure it out from there.  Although it will hurt, you will eventually heal.  You just might walk with a limp afterwards…

What I did this week, in a nutshell:

Monday- Was my last day in Edinburgh.  Did the touristy thing.  Ate my last lunch of delicious Scottish food.  Then a 12 hour train journey home- disaster!  It was only meant to be 4 hours- bit of a track problem, you could say!

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Tuesday: Back at work.  Although because I got home at 6am from the fateful train ride I was exhausted and went home a little early to sleep.

Wednesday:  Work. Spontaneous dinner with Roison at ‘Giraffe.’  Ate a huge meal, including a yummy dessert – although there was a big debate here.  Sometimes I just want to order a  dessert without feeling guilty!

Thursday: Work.  Out for Mexican food for dinner- yum!

Friday:  More work (guess that’s how the working week goes)  That night went to the Elusive Camel for Roison’s leaving drinks 🙁

Weekend:  Wrote a freaking screenplay!

Funniest moment:

  • Talking to myself on the phone when I was tired.  Yes, I was so tired I was trying to find my mobile so I called it from my land line.  Found it.  Then noticed I had a missed call.  Called that number, which was my land line…

What I did that scared me:

  • Put my heart on the line

Highs:

  • Seeing Scarlett J kick butt in ‘Lucy.’  There was a cool line in the film which relates to the theme for this week- ‘if you lose the ability to feel emotion you lose the ability to be human.’
  • Spontaneous dinners
  • Edinburgh- such a cool city!

Lows:

  • Train back from Edinburgh- not so cool!
  • Leaving Edinburgh, I love that city!
  • Rain everywhere I go!

What I learnt:

  • You can try to protect yourself but it won’t work.  Best to just get amongst life and see what happens!

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